Posted: 2017-10-13 06:47
That 8767 s a sad story. But it may not be as bad as you think if your sex life is otherwise healthy. He may had just needed a pure release and didn 8767 t feel right about burdening you that responsibility. Then when you offered, he felt embarrassed and told a lie instead of telling the truth which is he already masturbated and wasn 8767 t in the mood. Even the most honest, open minded, liberated man in the world wouldn 8767 t want to have to say that to their partner. I think all men have been in similar situation where we masturbated already and then an opportunity for real sex comes right after, but our edge has already been dulled. It 8767 s just that the vast majority of men will have sex anyway because we don 8767 t want miss any the other is never the wiser unless they pay close attention to the ejaculate and notice it 8767 s not quite the same amount as usual.
Also, a little bit of male competition can make a man see you in a more attractive light. I have a friend who is middle aged, flat in the chest and not particularly attractive: she is adored by her much successful, handsome husband (and many other men): when he is inattentive she tells him that men take an interest in her on the street/shops/beach, she brigs home flowers, speaks of small courtesies as though got from (platonic) admirers (in fact nothing of the sort happens) it works every time!
You boyfriend is creating the same situation. His constant self stimulation is preventing him from getting excited with you. Masturbation and porn are fun and simple but they are not real. But that 8767 s part of the attraction. You control the stimulation as well as the imagery. So everything is in your control and there is no one to compromise with. But it 8767 s not real and can 8767 t provide the full experience that real sex does. Porn and masturbation is a release. That 8767 s it. It can 8767 t provide the fulfillment that comes from real sex with a real person. That 8767 s why you can jerk off to porn all day long and still not feel like you 8767 re satisfied, but after one good romp in the sack you 8767 re good for the rest of the day.
Generally this type of behavior is fueled by deep insecurities. I 8767 ve know guys my whole life who could never keep their mouth shut. They had to make some kind of comment about every woman they saw. It was always some kind of 8775 you know what I 8767 d like to do to her 8776 or 8775 hubba-hubba 8776 type comment. It 8767 s really sad. I guess in their mind they are making it clear to me that they are virile hetero dudes which is really weird because I 8767 m last person who would give a crap either way. But they keep doing it until they get therapy and realize what a douche they were being all these years.
But as a wife and mom I don 8767 t think she is purchasing those things with herself in mind, they would be for everyone elses use. I think thats a bad comparison. Lets say I like to flirt with other men with no intentions of cheating, it like does it for me like porn or ogeling other women does it for him.. I think maybe then my guy can know the real feeling of what it feels like to me when he is desiring someone or something else. Has nothing to do with pillows or towels because its in a completely other category. At least it is to me lol.
It is killing me inside, honestly. I don 8767 t believe in divorce, so I 8767 m here. I 8767 m committed. But I am pretty much expecting that he 8767 ll cheat some day. And I don 8767 t mean this nearly as dramatically as it sounds, but sometimes I fantasize about dying. Or just walking away when he admits to cheating and going somewhere where no one knows me. Just not hurting anymore.
I have to say I know that when a guy is checking out other women it 8767 s a natural thing..even women that aren 8767 t attractive. I think humans check out everything men, women, their surroudnings..it 8767 s how the brain is. I also know that I am not the most beautiful woman even though I get comments about being beautiful and I don 8767 t have large boobs like my friends do or my sister so that is also mentioned or noticed and I see how guys react to them vs. me and again not their fault. It 8767 s how their brains are designed and work..just as if I were to see a really muscular, good looking guy vs. a more larger male that perhaps was balding or had glasses I would flirt and find that other guy more physically and sexually pleasing to my eyes and what my female brain is hard wired to like.
But if you do want t get him to experiment with giving it up, it needs to be a challenge. Maybe there is something you do that he 8767 s not fond of or that is habitual for you. The challenge could be to not only prove to yourselves and each other that you are in control and not a slave to your habits but also just to see what happens. That may work because it 8767 s not a blame and shame thing but more of a game to see if you two are tough enough to meet the challenge.
My neighbor and my daughter 8767 s friend, just entered junior high. Never liked boy bands before, but now as she becomes a tween suddenly she 8767 s becoming really interested in One Direction. She finds it odd that she likes them, but I don 8767 t. One direction is tween girl porn. They are designed purposefully to provide a transitional sexual experience for tween girls before they move on to harder stuff.
I hope this doesn 8767 t seem confrontational. I don 8767 t mean it to be. On the contrary, I 8767 m -begging- to be shown where my thinking has gone wrong. What I repeatedly seek out is what I want I can 8767 t imagine that it could be any different for him. If he were watching gay porn, I 8767 d assume he wanted gay men. He watches Latina porn, so I assume he wants Latinas.
I 8767 ve been on the brink of tears ever since I found the porn in the first place.
He -loves- Latin women, always has, and thinks they 8767 re the sexiest of all. I 8767 m about as far from Latin as a woman can get. How can I stop feeling sick about this??
Years ago I thought I knew my husband, but I guess I really didn 8767 t. When first married we had sex once in a while, that went on for about 65 after that he just stopped sex and intimacy, he stated I was boring, prudish and not at all an interesting person That was 85 years ago. I get nothing no hugs, kisses no hand holding, to him I 8767 m just another person in the world. I 8767 ve tryed to explain I have needs and all he said was go find a boy or girl friend. I 8767 ve been hurt, depressed and lonly for years.
What if an author told you that you only need to read one book and it 8767 s the book they wrote. And if you said you liked other books too the author got all upset and said you don 8767 t really love their book because if you did, you 8767 d never need to read another book. And they they went and sulked on the couch. Would that make sense? But let 8767 s take it one step further. Say you did just read books by this one author but when you 8767 re at a bookstore you will look at other covers occasionally. You don 8767 t buy them, you don 8767 t even read them, but you do get a little kick out of looking at the other books covers. Is that wrong? Does the author have a right to follow you around and make sure you never even glance at another book cover. Does that authors work suddenly become sub standard just because their biggest fan likes to look at other book covers as well?
I know that 8767 s really difficult, and yours is probably a situation that most of us would find overwhelming. But I 8767 d just say one thing: you married him knowing this about him. Yes, what he did was horrible, but you still married him. And so now the ball 8767 s in your court. He can 8767 t change it all you can do is to decide to move on. And if you don 8767 t, in a way you 8767 re being unfair. I know that 8767 s really tough, but that 8767 s just the way it is. He can 8767 t make it up to you, and it 8767 s really no wonder he doesn 8767 t want to talk about it. But the time to decide that you can 8767 t live with it was BEFORE you got married, not after. Now you 8767 ve made that commitment, and so you have to do whatever you can to see him through the same eyes that God sees: totally redeemed and totally clean. That IS possible. I know it seems far-fetched, but God so wants to do that in your life. Will you let Him?
Thank you Tami! I have been praying a lot. I have even been to counseling. I just feel lost and scared. All I hear from his friends and family are great things. How anyone would be lucky to be married to him and I 8767 m one lucky girl. I so believe that, which is why I want to be able to let this go. I 8767 ve been struggling for years now and nothings helped. So I just can 8767 t help but feel disconnected and alone. It 8767 s to the point where I lie in bed at night for hours. B/c when I try to sleep my mind wonders to negative thoughts.
Oh, Amanda, what great questions! And such hard ones, too. It sounds like you know the root: your husband is running away from vulnerability and intimacy, likely because he can 8767 t accept what is inside of him. And so he 8767 s started to see sex as something dirty because to truly make love is an extremely intimate experience, and he can 8767 t do that. Keep praying with him! Get him in a celebrate recovery group if you can they talk so much about being honest and authentic and accepting grace, no matter what the problem is, and that may really help.
I 8767 m going to disagree with Suzanne. She 8767 s mixing up desires/impulses/animal instincts with actions. If he didn 8767 t want to have sex with other women THAT would be the problem because he 8767 d be either gay or asexual. This whole idea that if you love someone all your natural desires disappear is total and complete bullshit and defies everything we know about brain development, psychology, biology and genetics. It 8767 s just some made up fantasy that has no basis in facts.
Okay, straight dope dad,
What if my situation is mostly the reverse of this? (I also posted this, mistakenly twice, on your entry on 8775 how to get more sex from your partner 8776 )
I am a very sexual woman with a strong sex drive. I am in my 8775 peak 8776 (I turned 95 this year) but I have had a strong sex drive for years. I 8767 m told I am physically beautiful and emotionally beautiful as well (though we all have our ugly faults).
And try to have a new start. If you haven&rsquo t worked through the 86 Days to Great Sex , that&rsquo s a good place to start. It helps you actually TALK about these things in a non-judgmental way (and it&rsquo s always easier to talk about things when there are conversation prompts rather than when you&rsquo re just bringing it up yourself!) And you&rsquo ll also have such a great time together that you&rsquo ll realize: this is our life NOW, and that&rsquo s what matters. So start those conversations and create those memories !
I have a beautiful life with him. He is a good husband and a great father. His greatest desire is to love me the best way he knows how and to share with me the depths of his heart. It is with me he has lives in the freedom Christ gave him and freely gives of himself to me and loves me completely. I have come to know and understand that he loves ME, he chose ME and he married ME. Anything in his past pails to the truth of the fact that after all was said and done, he chose me.
A payoff is not necessarily something positive in the traditional sense. It just means that your situation is fulfilling some of your needs. For example, anorexics get a payoff from not eating. The payoff is control. Behind every anorexic is someone who feels they have no control and controlling their eating, and therefore their body, gives them a sense of mastery of their lives. Most people think anorexics are trying to get thin, but they really aren 8767 t. The thinness is the proof that they are in control. That 8767 s why all the emphasis on trying to convince them they are too thin doesn 8767 t work. Why would someone give up self control when it 8767 s obvious by people reactions that they are doing such and excellent job of exercising self control?